Today was a first for me, at least in the last 20 odd years. I had a refreshingly youthful experience, or rather, I was refreshed by an experience particular to youths, I pissed myself. No, it was not on purpose as some of you might imagine. Or as others, of a more presumptuous nature might think, I was not under the influence of any booze, aka bringing to reality the term "piss drunk". Nope, just a common old (not a depends reference) mistake. You see, i'm a little more unexperienced than some might imagine. Yes, I've painfully experienced the birds and the bees talk, powered thru my first drivers-Ed course and the following DMV debacle, not to mention seen the inside of a girls bedroom. But, before a few days ago I'd never fully experienced, in the true coming-of-age, carnal type of way, Nature--nor it's beastly, near remorsless vengence. No, I've only had pleasant to kind experiences with mother earth. So, when trekking (this post is a few away , details to follow) through the wilderness for four days with nary a toilet in sight, what am I to do when "nature" calls, but to embrace it.
To give you as many erroneous details as possible, I'll go through this with as much painstacking and first-person detail as possible, so you too can live five minutes in my underwe...shoes.
Im equating myself to a five year old child as I struggle through 4000m glacial peaked terrain. It's like the first night after peeing the bed and actually being cognizant of doing something wrong. The difference is I'm 28 and preparing to do something that is in fact more normal than any other time I've committed myself to performing the exact sane act I've performed thousands of times in thousands of places. I cannot help to be uncomfortable, concerned, even slightly disgusted by what I'm about to do, it's do unaccustomarily natural. At this point, however, I have no choice. I must go through with it, my mind has already overpowered my body going on two days now and my intestinal fortitude being pressed as such, is about to burst.
I start reeling for information. How does this work? Where in this abandon land outside of a handful of other tenters, do I go? On what? Is it like yoga or football practice, or some weird ancient torture method? Where have I seen this done before? Movies? No. Television? No. Ahhh, yes, I've seen this done by Beth and at least a handful of other girls (no, this is not an indicator of some perverse enjoyment I get out of "watching", just a function of living in IV--inadvertent witness, that's my story). Let me think. First you unbuckle. Then you squat. Then you go. Voilla. Finito. Back to work.
Alright. I'll need a good spot. Not many people here, but enough that I don't want to be interupted during my "vulnerable time". Some teepee. And a good view. It's no book, but it'll have to do. [I inform Beth she'll have to take a load off for a few minutes, because that's what I'm about to do. I also ask her to play lookout for me. Maybe make a few deep dog barks if she hears any people getting close. A throaty growl might work too. Anything really to scare them off. I then proceed to find a cute little nook overlooking a lake filled with glacial-melt that happens to be low enough in elevation to be surrounded by auburn-leaved trees. It's actually a perfect location. I feel like god, or at least an incredible real estate agent. Back to the story...]. I'm ready. My well thought out plans have come to fruition and though nervous, I fell prepared.
Unbuckle. Squat. Lean part-way against toilet-level rock. Go.
Hmm, not so difficult. The rock and the angle are a bit strange, but admittedly you might say this is even a bit enjoyable, if only for the contrast. Wow, that's a nice little breeze.
Wait a second. What's that? What's wet, why is it WET??? Oh god, i'm peeing. Why am I peeing? I'm not supposed to be peeing. That's not why I stopped here. Stop peeing. Stop. Now.
Shit (no really, that's what I said. I understand, under these circumstances the irony, but at that point I wasn't thinking, just speaking..in shock). Pull your pants down further. Now finish.
Ok. You're going to have to litter more than expected here. Vigorously wipe that spot. You mean puddle Jason. Yes, vigorously wipe that puddle, blot if necessary, until it's not soaking wet. Good. Drop toilet paper in prepared mini-hole. Excellent. Now. Pull up pants. God they are wet. Suck it up. It's cold. Yea, but it's windy. Just do it. Then find a rock to cover up messes. Done.
Alright. Now here is the most important part. Turn around. Walk back up the hill to your growling girlfriend and make sure there isn't the slightest hitch in your step. Walk like your pants are dry and your crotch smells like vanilla bean and tea leaf. You do that a no one will ever know about mother nature's miscue. Now go and keep quiet.
And that the day nature called to piss on me.
Friday, September 17, 2010
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Amazing. Nothing like waking up and getting to laugh! Thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I feel your pain... Don't know why, but I do...
ReplyDeletewow, i'm so far behind on readying your blog. i've been terribly self-consumed of late. nice to check in here for some perspective. working on getting caught up now ... nice to have a jason&beth binge. miss you guys (jason, i've been having weird dreams about you lately!!)
ReplyDeleteLaughing hysterically in office, trying not to call attention to myself.... tears -- thanks Jason!
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